


Stay with me

by Waxa



Series: Clexa Week 2019 [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental, Clexaweek2019, Day 2, F/F, No Strings Attached, tmi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 18:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17924108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waxa/pseuds/Waxa
Summary: She knows she shouldn’t have asked but she was tired of watching her leave. It started as a booty call but it developed into something more than that.





	Stay with me

**Author's Note:**

> Clexaweek2019: No Strings Attached 
> 
> All characters and events in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental. I really don’t know what this is, but it’s close to my heart and I hope you like it.

“I want you,” Lexa whispers against her collarbone, while her hands wrap around Lexa’s waist, skin hot beneath her fingertips where a flannel shirt has been hastily untucked from pants “Please.” She wants to but something is aching to come out and it’s not the usual word of consent but a word that wants to put into perspective their situation. Her hand presses against Lexa’s breastbone, her lips barely brushing Lexa’s as she tilts her head away.

“So you just want to fuck me and then leave me, huh?” it’s said softly. It was meant to be teasing, but she knows, Lexa can see the hurt swimming within the dark blue irises searching green ones.

They don’t do this, they weren’t supposed to feel.

No strings attached.

No problems.

It was supposed to be just sex.

Just fucking.

Out of sight, out of mind.

They’d agreed to just be there when they needed release.

That’s a lie.

It was mostly Lexa’s suggestion and Clarke’s despair to never let her go that she agreed. So that’s why they were staring at each other feeling those words cut deeper than the words whispered when they were together and it didn’t work or better yet they didn’t want it to work.

Clarke sighs and puts some distance between them, Lexa’s nails scrape against her bra where Clarke had unbuttoned her shirt, her hands falling to her sides, off of Lexa’s hips. Lexa crosses her arms over her stomach even though Clarke hadn’t even touched the button on hers yet.

Clarke grabs her own forehead, feeling a headache coming. She thinks about having this discussion, the one they’d promised to never have, the one that has her flat on her back most nights, blinking up at the ceiling, lulled into an almost numbed trance by whoever is on her bed that snores and thinking about the woman who is in the brunette’s bed most nights, Costia.

Costia is one of the reasons why they didn’t talk about the subject and one why they never will. Not until Lexa breaks whatever they have, or well if they were being honest when Lexa finally tells Costia that it wasn’t her she wanted even if they had a no strings attached kind of relationship too. But they weren’t there yet. Clarke wasn’t enough for Lexa to leave Costia, at least not yet. At least that’s what they both thought.

Clarke thinks about telling her, about wanting to finally have that talk, she really does, but when she looks up she remembers why Lexa had decided not to, since they started -well when they gave in to- this. Every time Lexa looks at her, it feels like she wants more. She looks at her like she’d give Clarke the entire world if she asked for it, she looks at her like she still loves her, but she also looks at Costia like that.

Now she’s looking at her like she loves her and it still hurts. Even if it was Clarke’s fault that she stopped loving her right.

And Clarke’s sure that it hurts Lexa too.

She knows it does.

It probably hurts the same way it hurts her, probably even more.

Sometimes bad memories are all she has left of broken promises and broken dreams. That’s all she has left from her relationship with Lexa. A relationship that was tarnished with heartbreak and second choices and her own wrongdoings.

She broke Lexa’s heart.

She always thought she was Lexa’s second choice.

She thought wrong, she did wrong.

They were stupid for doing this, for giving into something that would only end up burning them both. Lexa was naive to think that she could suggest such thing without thinking about Clarke and her willingness to make it right. Clarke was a masochist wanting and wanting to be forgiven for something that she had no control over and to be used with no good end in sight. They were stupid because this will leave them with identical scars. That’s what they did every time they were together. They should’ve learned by now, they should’ve known that the scars of their love would remain until now.

Clarke loved the scar behind their eyes, the one that their love left. Because it showed her it was true and it showed her that it can be again.

Her eyes move to Lexa’s face and over her lips, where Lexa’s lipstick is smudged, and her lips a light plum and kiss bruised. Her fingers twitch to skitter across her lips, she wants to smooth a thumb over it, to kiss it like she has so many times before.

“I’m not doing this with you Clarke,” Lexa grits out, balling her hand into a fist to keep it from reaching out to Clarke. She pushes herself out of bed, shirt still unbuttoned and one side hanging slightly, exposing her shoulder. Her hand is now on the knob of the front door when Clarke seems to find her voice.

“Of course you won’t. You never want to talk about anything.” This time is her own voice that is bitter and hoarse. And she spits the last words like it’s sour on her tongue.

Lexa whirls around and stares at her disbelieving “Yeah, because we said we weren’t going to have to talk about anything, remember?” Lexa stalks forward, while Clarke’s heart pounds beneath her ribcage. “Because you have Niylah or whoever you’re with now, and I have Costia and we weren’t supposed to do this Clarke. We knew what we were getting ourselves into. What would happen. We knew it and yet we did it anyway, because we’re fucking stupid!”

Clarke gives a sharp bark of laughter and Lexa sucks in a breath. Clarke’s hands clasp together, clenching and unclenching against the sheets of her bed. She looks like she’s struggling to keep herself held together after the cold laughter, like maybe if she squeezes her hands hard enough it will keep her intact as well. She does it because she doesn’t want to reach out to her, not until everything is out in the open and for the looks of it, it’s going to.

“Yes we are,” Clarke breathes and then swallows. She looks around the room, clears her throat. Now she seems to have a little more control over herself and over the situation. “You should go,” she says softly and Lexa blinks. She nods and heads for the door again, she’s about to leave once again when she whispers it, the inhale, the tremor behind it, the three words “Back to her.”

Clarke baits her, she knows with all her heart that she shouldn’t but she takes pleasure in knowing that she finally has decided to tell her what she feels, at least a whisper is better than nothing.

But Clarke has no fucking right, so Lexa spins, eyes flashing with anger and a finger jabbing at the air between them “No. You don’t get to do that, you have no right to do that. You don’t get to act like the jealous lover, you don’t get to act like you have every right to be angry at me, because you don’t, and certainly not when you were the one to quit us in the first place just for a warm bed.”

Horror ripples through her, she feels the hot pricking of tears, her throat tightening, a tremble, a hitch in the next words that makes her want to punch something. She draws in a breath, tries to keep the shakiness out of it but fails. It was her fault she knows but she didn’t want it to turn into this.

What she does is blink back the burn in her eyes.

“You keep choosing Costia over me too Lexa, so don’t.” She gives a watery smile feeling it like something awful on her face, because it is, but it’s like she wants to show that it’s okay for her to pick someone else but it’s not okay to tell her that she’s wrong for doing just that.

What she really wants is Lexa, all to herself that hasn’t changed. And she thinks she’s pathetic because of it. She wants to be the only one who kisses her, who touches her and wakes up beside her every morning. She wants all of it, all of her. But she also wants her as far away from her as possible, like out of reach completely. Where her fingertips can’t graze the smooth skin she has. Where she can’t be tempted, where she can’t want and can’t need because she knows Lexa deserves better.

And better was not her.

Maybe now she is.

Clarke doesn’t want to need her. She doesn’t want someone, especially Lexa, to have that kind of power over her. Clarke definitely doesn’t want to put so much of herself into Lexa’s hands just to have Lexa tether the pieces that have already fallen through the cracks of their fingers just like Clarke did the first time she let Lexa go.

Clarke can see Lexa fighting back tears when she whispers a broken “don’t leave, please” a second later that makes that fight a losing battle.

Lexa’s eyes close, and another shaky inhale makes her shoulder tremble with it as she tenses every muscle in her body, keeping it from turning to watch her on the bed, pleading. Lexa’s knuckles are straining against the force of her clenched fists and she grinds her teeth “We can’t do this anymore Clarke,” she says, voice soft and utterly spent.

She doesn’t turn, not until she hears her plea once again. This time it’s mixed with a sob that she can’t contain even if she wants to. “Please stay with me,” and then her hand wraps gently around Lexa’s wrist and they both inhale sharply.

Lexa finally turns and wrenches away from Clarke and finds her eyes, a flash of understanding in them, not the least bit hurt. And it angers her, how well Lexa knows her too. How Lexa instead of taking a step backwards, she takes another step forward.

“I want you to stay because we need to talk, I can’t keep doing this anymore,” Lexa’s eyes are fierce in a way that has Clarke’s heart thumping loudly in her chest.

“Keep doing what?” Lexa asks and Clarke’s really confused, because she knows she’s only baiting her instead, she wants her to tell her the truth but she already has. With her touches, with her pleadings, with the way she still looks at her and treats her but maybe the message wasn’t clear enough.

“Pretending that I don’t want this,” Lexa blinks rapidly and Clarke meets Lexa’s gaze again, breath breaking against Lexa’s cheeks, because they were that close.

“It’s you. It has always been you Lexa, can’t you see that? I’m sorry for what I did. I honestly thought it was the best for you but I’m the best for you.”

“Clarke, I can’t.” Lexa’s voice is barely a whisper.

“Yes you can, Lexa,” Clarke says more forcefully “Stop.”

“Clarke.”

“No,” Clarke grabs her face and lifts it up “I know you want this as much as I do.”

“I don’t,” Lexa’s voice breaks a little and it gives her away, she couldn’t lie not even if her life depend it on it and Clarke smiles at the fact that she knows her too well “Yes you do,” she says softly.

“No, Clarke you don’t get it, I can’t.”

“There’s a difference between I don’t and I can’t, so what is it?”

“Both.”

“You can’t have it all Lexa.”

“I would be lying if I said that I don’t, and it will be too easy if I say that I can’t but don’t you see? There is no right answer here. If I tell you that I want…if I do, then this becomes real and I don’t want to end up with a broken heart.” The again is implied but she knows it’s fair that she doesn’t want that since she has done it before. 

“This is already real Lexa, we were just deluding ourselves from the truth, and the truth is that we still love each other.” Clarke’s lips finds the path to Lexa’s cheek, then her nose, her eyes and then finally her lips, were she tentatively kisses her. She waits for Lexa to allow more and when she does a whisper becomes the final step for them to try it one more time.

“I love you.” Clarke whispers between long and desperate kisses.

“I’m not ready to tell you how I feel.” Lexa says, her forehead is against her own rested against it. “I know you can’t, but I can feel it Lexa. There’s no need.” She smiles through the kiss that began as a peck once again.

“I hate that you have this power over me.”

“I hate that you feel that way.”

Lexa grips Clarke’s blonde hair closer to her as if they weren’t one already and it makes her smile.

The one thing Clarke does hate is the way that Lexa hurts and doesn’t trust the love she always had and always will have for her. I mean it’s founded in her own mistakes but still she vows to always make her feel her love.

“Clarke what are we going to do?” It’s a loaded question. A question she has all the right answers for, or the answers she wants to say and maybe Lexa wants to hear. But they will get there eventually. For tonight she just needs them to be. “I don’t know what is going to happen but I just want you to stay with me.”

She asks her again to stay.

This time Lexa stays.  


End file.
